Monday, September 3, 2012 @ 4:25 PM
Hellooooooo!
Dont know if julian would still be reading my blog. But anyway, just gonna write eveything out. because i feel so fed up with everything. Sometimes, i just feel that maybe i should just die. at least i wont be feeling miserable or whatever.
things hasnt been going on very smooth for me. i hate staying in this department, especially after i know that there are so many hypocrites in it and, one of them doesnt like me but yet still acted like she cares about me alot. and she, still has the cheek to tell me that she treats me like a sister, and a friend. wooow. but sometims, people are just like that. if possible, i wouldnt even make friends with such ppl, blame me for having a soft heart, ad i fogive people easily.. sigh. I just feel so stupid everytime, knowing this and that.. zzz. im so scared of trusting people :(
had been in contact with bb recently, i feel so much better when he's around, when he's there for me. but at times, i give up. because im so afraid of trying, and trusting again. its so scary, even though yes.. i still love julian alot. but it seems to me like when everything is right, something would happen to mess it up again.
he'd known this girl called hazel. julian keeps insisting that he wouldnt fall for her.. but in the end.. no one will now what will happen. he already treated her as someone important, more than a friend. soon i think, she will replace me.. im feelin so down and upset, somewhat lost all my confidence. :( i know im not as pretty as gentle and blah la. i also know im so common. prolly julian will really find someone else in he next 3 years.. but for me... i guess... not now ba, im still waiting. i just can't leave him. i tried, i really did try.. but in the end im back to square one again. sigh.
god, please answer my prayers and let everything back to how it was. and yes, i still want julia back, into my life as someone important again, and be his center of attention.
:(
Thursday, August 30, 2012 @ 4:41 PM
Everything just sucks big time today.. From the moment i woke up till now. I just got to the office and i had fight with my colleague over my family problems. I just want someone to talk to, that's why i approach you guys because i feel comfortable with you all.. Because see you guys everyday.. I am so unhappy here. I dont even feel like a family here.. I want to leave.. to another place. But i dont know where to go.
Not that i dont want to study.. why no one understands.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012 @ 2:41 PM
This post it for................................. i dont know who. Im just talking to myself lor. LOL. im very tired. tired of entertaining guys, tired of trying to find new guy for myself. I wanna move on. But you, julan.. kept dwelling in my mind. whatever i do, somewhat it just link me to you. I dont know why everytime when im upset, im confued.. i still call you... i know la, u only treat me as a friend now.. i know, stop reminding me....
you said, you're a fish that i have to let go now. but sure i will catch you again someday.. when would the day be..? will we ever be back together again? I dont know if by then i would still want to be together with you, or will we or no. i so scared. scared of you leaving me again, so i guess we hall be frieds.. it's so tiring. i wannabe a lesbian can ? zzzz
i know im stupid enough to go up k's house the other day. but i was just trying to help. and now i keep thinking about it. its driving me cazy.. and its making m very upset. 10 years of age gap. same height and blah. omg, what am i thinking?!
need.a.break.
Sunday, July 22, 2012 @ 10:40 PM
HI HI HI HI JULIAN DARLING !!!
Sometimes im really wondering if there would be a chance whereby you have the time to stop by to read my blog, to read all the letters that i'd wrote to you as well as all the cards that i'd made for you. On saturday, while we were looking for your watch warranty card, i realised that you'd kept every single letter and card that i'd wrote to you. I'm so touched, erm.. I mean, well, i know you'd always kept that, buti didnt know they were still around. Some of those cards that I'd given you, I'd already forgotten that I'd made them for you :x
My point is, I'm so touched, so glad that yo'd kept them all these while. In this box that I'd given you. Thank you darling, for keeping our every memory, every letter. They actually, meant alot to me. And i hope, they meant alot to you as well.
Today, kailin and I went to Toa Payoh to develop photos. It's cheaper there, well.. I wanted to do smth for you, but as you know.. I dont have much money.. So i went to google search and found out that tpy has the cheapest photo developing shop. Hahas. Sorry because I am poor :/ Well, we really do have a different background. However, I still remember you saying that our different backgrounds doesnt matter, as long as we love each other right? Sometimes I just wonder, what are we now...
Hmm, so I went to develop all our photos because I have no idea whether you will miss me when you're in Australia. I don't know if u would still think of me when you're there, because down the road, before your trip to auz, it's half a year.. And maybe, perhaps by then.. All your feelings for me would have faded, right? You used to tell me that your love for me is a kind of feeling that is never ending.. You said it would be an eternity love. I still remember every single sentece that you'd said.. Especially those that meant the whole world to me, because those are all your promises, your feelings and thoughts from the bottom of your heart. I wonder when will I be able to hear them coming out from you. It's been so long since you last sweet-talked to me. And i really really miss them alot. And, you know.. It's hurting me.. very badly. So all these photos, and those that we're going to take all the way until you go auz, if we have the chance, I'm gonna put them in an album and let you bring them to auz, so that if you ever happens to miss me.. you still have my photos, our photos with you to refer. At least, you wouldnt miss me so much, i guess.. Am i right? hahas. And i hope you would be like me, smiling while browsing through all those photos.
I know you hate me crying, you hate to hear me asking you questions. I'm sorry because i always do so alright? I hate it myself to, I hate how much i cling to you, I hate how much i love you, how much i am dependent to you. I hate how much i have to tell you i miss you, i love you, but i get nothing back from you. I hate myself for being naive, doing all things trying to make things better, trying to make you come back. I hate myself for wanting you so badly. BUT one thing i didnt regret is being together with you. I should have known that one day you would leave, because from the beggining i knew that you had to go auz to complete your studies. If only, im not so deeply in love.. If only.. If only.. If only.. there are so many ifs.
Baby, do you know how much i love you? I dont know about you.. but i guess.. you do love me.. right? Just that you're indecisive of what you want.. just that you don't know what is the best solution, the best plan to make the both of us feel better when you're in auz. Right? That's why you're doing this to me, to you, to us. I know you'd already planned all this the moment you know that your studies in auz is comfirmed, the moment we stepped into orchard hotel for the universities forum.. Right? I think, i ought to thank you for sparing a thought for me.. and i'm sorry because i always question you.I know you'd asked me to trust you, but im so afraid that im so vulnerable.. and later i would hurt even more. I know you kept asking me to leave, but i didnt. Dont ask me why, i myself doesnt know it either. There are lots of reasons for me to leave.. but the only reason im staying is because i love you, and i want you to come back 3 years later.. I know, this is rather stupid.. but.. well.. i just can't.. afford to loose you. because when i loose you, i feel as though i'd defeated a war with the world, it's as though i'd lost everything.
This is only the begginning.. So i must be strong enough to go through all these with you right? If what you said is true, and that you really had no choice but to leave because of auz, then i think.. it's time for me to trust you. to have faith in something that i have no idea of what is waiting for me in the future.. i have to trust you, i have to learn to trust, to believe and i have to love you at the same time. I dont know if you'd love me, because everytime, when you said something to me.. i really have no idea what you're thinking deep down inside you. Whether you'r saying those nasty things to drive me away, or telling me that you will come back just to assure me... But i guess, since everytime you tell me to believe in you that you would come back.. i guess you really would, right? YOu just have to do all these nasty and selfish things because you dont want me to miss you right..? (according to what you said) You're really noble, but pretty stupid. haha! but it's okay, we'll be stupid together alright? I'd be stupid enough to wait for you, i mean.. if you never chased after ur dreams, your wants then you would have never lived before right? I guess, being having to force yourself to not love me, or you really can't love me, it's really h ard right? I should put myself in your shoes, am i right? I should igve you support and just go through everything with you for this 3 years.
But i am so afraid that you wouldnt come back. It's all my fault, if i hadn't been so clingy, and questioning with BUTS then i guess, we would be better. I seriously hope that you know, i am doing all these because i really care about you. I will learn to trust you, I'm just hoping that you would bot betray my trust for you, and abuse all these wonderful feelings that i'd given to you. Please, come back for me.. because you love me, and you know that i love you.. and not just because i'd been waiting. And i sincerely hope that we would be better, because i guess.. the second chance is always better..
They say " When a guy cries over a girl, he will never love another girl like her "
I asked you regarding this question yet you say that different people have different feelings.. well, my heart just sank at your reply. but i hope, deep down in you, you would say "yes, no one can replace you". I asked if i would be replaced, yet the next minute i told you that you dont have to reply me.. because i am so afraid that your answer isnt something that i really want. I'd just afraid to face the reality, im just too timid to loose you. I rather live in my world, with all your lies and embrace you in my arms.
Because i love you, I will learn to trust you again, to believe you like i'd never believed before.. and i will gear up for this war that is going to last for 3 years. I take your word of coming back and i will wait for you to return, and like you say.. to come back, love me again, and chase me all over again. I trust, I believe, I fall in love with you, we will be better.
Yes, i am naive. But, that's how i am.
I love you julian, forever and always. XOXO.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012 @ 11:38 AM
Hi darling,
today is 17th July.. 2 more days to our 35th Month. How do you feel about that? hahas. we had been together for so long, why wanna break up with me? why wanna break up just because of australia. we still can be together what, can't we? Isit because i am very annoying? I always tie you down that's why you wannabe set free? I know, i dont give you freedom, but not exactly dont give.. i still let you go. i let go.. i let go. Do you know how much it hurts to have you leave me?...
I know i kept asking you questions, but that's because i care.. and im paranoid, and im insecure. I know it annoys you very much, and that u even used the "f" word on me. I am sorry. You know you'd never used this word on me before? It's all my fault, because i kept questioning you. Because i kept pushing your limits.. but i only wanted you to assure me.. Just assure me, isit that hard? I am just worried and scared that you will leave me, and will never come back. Your cousin told me that you left because u have other reasons, not just because you're going to australia? I dont know isit true or not, he said he felt that the reason was more than that.. I too, questioned myself why isit because of australia you had to leave, why can't you hold onto the promises and vows that you'd made, commit to them and make them happen? We can have long distance relationship can't we? I know it's hard to commit in a long distance relationship, but if you really love me, you would make it happen right?
I know, you're starting to question yourself already isit? Maybe im really not the one for you.. maybe you'd already given up hope on me.. just that you didnt say, just that u didnt want to let go because.. you pity me.. u dont want to see me break down. i know. I asked you too, you said you dont wanna let go because you still want to keep in contact with me.. But why do you choose not to see me so often..? Do you know that the time we'd left for each other are so limited now, and im so afraid that if i can't see you, i can't see you forever. You said you're doing these because you want me to get used to you not being around when you're in australia to complete your studies.. but why dont you make more time for me, since we have so little time left? why don't you just stay longer by my side for the time being, and assure me..
so many things had happended lately, and i dont know which sentence of yours to believe.. i know you dont love me already, i know. i read your conversation with your cousin, and my heart just.. had no reaction. i guess, im too tired for everything. you said that i was pressurizing you, i am sorry. i didnt mean to. i didnt mean to pressurized you. Please understand that i didnt mean to do it at all.. No matter what, my decision will not change, i know you're going to say im stupid and silly again. But why dont you say yourself stupid as well? How can you let go someone who loved you so much.. how can you do such things to hurt her? Doesnt it hurt you? Don't you feel pain?
I talked to aunty about us, she said we can still be friends, best friends, more than friends now. but we're young and we ought to complete our education first.. and if u said u will come back means you will.. but can i really trust what you say? I mean, i really dont know what i should do.. im so scared that you will leave me, im so scared that you will just go off like that. please, keep your promises, dont leave me..
Because you really meant alot to me.. that's why, i choose to stay. i choose to stay no matter how bad you wanna treat me now. but if you say you will come back, then i should trust you, believe in you and wait for you and be a good girl right? I know i love you more than you love me now, and it will lead to you taking me for granted.. but.. it's okay. please dont make me wait for you for more than your degree duration okay? I can't wait for us to be back together again. i really cant wait for this 2 years to pass by fast. make it fast. make it fast. make it fast. please.
Monday, July 16, 2012 @ 5:26 PM
Hi julian baby,
this post is specially for you.. i know writing letters to you no longer works.. because you are no longer eager to read them like before.. and prolly you dont even read them when u say u will. so maybe a blog post? prolly you will visit my blog when you think of me.. now or when you're at australia 2 and a half years down the road?
I know im pretty stupid, thinking that you would come back for me.. but everytime i see you, everytime you repeat ur promises, my heart falls even deeper for you. I dont know which sentence of yours to trust. I dont know what to do. I talked to many people, their advices are all the same, but i wanted to hear what i wanted to hear. your cousin, alexander is right. It's making me so tired trying to hold onto you when your heart is already somewhere else. I no longer know where i stand in you. I dont know how to regard you as. I love you, that's all i know. And i really want you to come back to me after your studies in 2 and a half year time.. I really want to go back to how we were like before.. and how we should be all this while before we broke up. I regretted taking you for granted all these while, all these 3 years.. but what can i do to bring you back to me again? Is there any use of me regretting and aplogising? I guess the answer is NO. right?
After so much.. after you repeating and telling me that you would come back for me.. telling me that you would chase me all over again after ur studies.. do you really mean it? are you really gonna make it happen? please dont give me empty promises.. i know im so vulnerable that you will take advantage of me. i know, but you know. i actually dont mind as long as i can have you with me.. you wouldnt know how much i love you i guess.. i had never had such strong feelings before.. and i see you in my future. i dream about being together with you, i dream about marrying you, starting a family with you, and spend the rest of my life lying beside you on the bed before i go to sleep. get a goodnight kiss from you, and wake up in ur arms. that's all i ever wish for. and leaving you is the last thing i would want to happen.
I know i'd been saying such things again and again. i know i'd been asking you again and again. but it's because im really insecure.. i really dont know if i should trust. i know i should trust, i know i love you. that's why the more i should trust.. but after so much, i realised that i really dont know much about you. i thought i know you, i knew you. but after these few weeks, suddenly i feel like you're a stranger to me. i dont even know what you want.
Out of a sudden, you wanna break up from me. you want me to leave you, but why dont you leave me. (of course i dont want you to leave me) but.. why say u wanna leave me just because of australia is that the real reason? will you ever come back for me, chase me all over again and make the feelings come back again? i really hope you will, from the bottom of my heart.
I know i aint any good, im busybody, i like to control you. im paranoid and i have a million flaws. i know, i really really know. but i can try and change i can try and make everything happen. i really can adapt to the new you. BABY, ARE YOU REALLY COMING BACK? ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING BECAUSE YOU HAVE STUDIES TO ATTEND TO IN AUSTRALIA? ARE YOU REALLY SHUTTING YOURSELF UP FROM ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE AND NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER GIRLS OUT THERE.. i know you want to have your freedom. i know you want to experience many different things and meet other people. i know it's a part f growing up. but i really love you. i yearn for you every single day. i just want you to stay with me. and make all those vows and promises that you'd made to me when we first started, when sparks fly, when we're so in love, when we're a perfect couple.
COME BACK TO ME. PLEASE.
:(
Monday, June 25, 2012 @ 1:15 PM
HI AGAIN.
Dont even think there are still reading this blog, my blog, his blog, our blog.
have i mentioned that i'd lost grandpa about 3 months ago? time had passed so fast that i couldnt catch up.. i just loose everything that i love, so be it. fuck life, and fuck everything.. i know i shouldnt be spamming the "fuck" word because i promised bb before that i will not use vulgarities.. haha, so idiotic.. does he even care? i dont know if i should trust whatever he says. im just like a stupid girl, cryign for the past 3 days.. all my energy.. just drained because we broke up.
i really miss him, but whatever i say, do he even care? whatever he said, should i believe? i dont even know if he's only making use of me for, sex? seriously.. what should i do? im lost, im confused. his words just keep changing.. he wasnt like that in the past, he always lie, but i still forgive him. i still trusted him. until i learnt that all this while, he'd been going to club, he'd been touching other girls, he'd been smoking.
"why, why do you even lie to me? why do you betray? why do you hurt be even though you say you still love me, and telling me that you will come back for me after 2 years of studies in auz, unless i meet someone here in sg, or he meet someone in auz. what are you exactly thinking?!"
i still trust, i still love. i still wait. for goodness sake, im the stupid one, i know. but it just hurt so much at the thought of it.. everything i do, reminds me of him.. EVERY SINGLE THING. why the hell do i deserve this? okay, maybe it's like what he say.. im always showing him attitude, im showing him tantrums, but if you love this person, you would tolerate everything that he/she throws at you right? i really dont understand.. i tolerated with him also.. after i know all his flaws, and learnt that he is abit slow when thinking.. i still accept, forgive and love. why do i get this in return.. i really dont understand.
life would be duller without him around. i wonder if he would feel the same way as i do too.. i will still wait for him.. and that's my decision. i will be alright.
I still love you, julian.
Thursday, November 24, 2011 @ 10:38 PM
As said on twitter, Im here to blog! I've been saying that I want to blog since last week? But I didnt manage to find time and I'm lazy too!!! HAHAHA. Let's talk about life, sch, the pot of beautiful flower then my precious doggie ok! So be prepared! there would be quite a number of photos. hehe. :)
That's me~. Do I look like I have a dimple on he left hand side of the picture? hehe.
Currently, I'm having this module called ProVis, it's about rendering! Smth like colouring the products in markers called copic! :D It's a very fun module and i love it! I dont mind colouring it for the rest of my life in PID. Well, but smth stupid and idiotic just happened.. I mean just now in the late afternoon. I was otw home and got this message from my classmate that my HUMAN CENTERED DESIGN (HCD) report and its ppt failed and I HAVE TO REDO EVERYTHING. WTFFFFFFF RIGHT ?!?!?!?!?! Zzz, so in summary, I HATE STUDYING IN PRODCUT AND INDUSTRIAL DESIGN. So anyone who goes through this blog, rbm it's not as easy as stated from its NAME. Dont be deceived, like me -______-
Next! Im gonna talk about this gorgeous pot of flower that grandma and i bought last week at Sheng Siong! Series of photos, seeeeee...
SO CHIO RIGHT. and this bought of flowers bought grandma luck ok! She striked 4D $500. Omg, envy $_$ But i doesnt agree with betting on 4D, totos, socceer and horse race la. Cause if yout think bout it, you save the money that you invested to bet, YOU CAN SAVE A MILLION. Especially if you're a addicted gambler. Hahaha. I just simply love the flowers! It's bright and nice. So sweet, otw and after we bought it home, i just cant stop praising that it's pretty. HAHAHAHA
Other than buying that pot of flowers, i went to visit kiki too! :D And did some house chores. My cutie baby kiki is seriously mad cute!!!! And she can pose like a model too. LOL!
CUTE RIGHT?! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE MY BABY CUTIE KIKI ?!?!?!?!?!
hehehehe, okies im going to sleep already. SO SIAN NOW. tmr still needa wake up damn early :( Goodnights~
Monday, November 7, 2011 @ 11:38 PM
received jul's mom msg. actually i texted her damn early, now then reply. wanted to tell her i miss her & his dad. but well, how to say? :(
so feel like crying :( sniffffffffffff.
@ 10:58 PM
hoohoo. im currently having gastric pain.. which is very annoying cause im trying my best to do my research for my project #1. tmr having group discussion! not that i dint spend my time wisely this weekend for this research kkay! i am, but can say i wasnt efficient enough :( so i had my dear babe who's currently in perth to help me a little with my work. HAHAHA. SO BORING.
tmr is tues and most prolly baby aint coming back for dinner :( he texted me earlier saying that he might have duties.. sian! i miss him so much T.T haven been seeing him for 6 days liao. NS SUCKS BIG TIME. his duties would end on wednesday for these two weeks. sad to say he would be going Bali next week for a whole damn week with his family cause his bro had holidays already. I AM SO SAD CAN. actually i was suppose to go with them, but because i have school and my holidays aint compatible with his bro's holidays ! :( i just hate how singapore's education system and the ns system work. why can't all holidays be allocated together :(
hmm, cause i miss baby so i started making a "combined" pictures that we took the other day at his house! have a look !
HEHEHEHE. AINT THIS SWEET ?! :))
|
Monday, September 3, 2012 @ 4:25 PM
Hellooooooo!
Dont know if julian would still be reading my blog. But anyway, just gonna write eveything out. because i feel so fed up with everything. Sometimes, i just feel that maybe i should just die. at least i wont be feeling miserable or whatever.
things hasnt been going on very smooth for me. i hate staying in this department, especially after i know that there are so many hypocrites in it and, one of them doesnt like me but yet still acted like she cares about me alot. and she, still has the cheek to tell me that she treats me like a sister, and a friend. wooow. but sometims, people are just like that. if possible, i wouldnt even make friends with such ppl, blame me for having a soft heart, ad i fogive people easily.. sigh. I just feel so stupid everytime, knowing this and that.. zzz. im so scared of trusting people :(
had been in contact with bb recently, i feel so much better when he's around, when he's there for me. but at times, i give up. because im so afraid of trying, and trusting again. its so scary, even though yes.. i still love julian alot. but it seems to me like when everything is right, something would happen to mess it up again.
he'd known this girl called hazel. julian keeps insisting that he wouldnt fall for her.. but in the end.. no one will now what will happen. he already treated her as someone important, more than a friend. soon i think, she will replace me.. im feelin so down and upset, somewhat lost all my confidence. :( i know im not as pretty as gentle and blah la. i also know im so common. prolly julian will really find someone else in he next 3 years.. but for me... i guess... not now ba, im still waiting. i just can't leave him. i tried, i really did try.. but in the end im back to square one again. sigh.
god, please answer my prayers and let everything back to how it was. and yes, i still want julia back, into my life as someone important again, and be his center of attention.
:(
Thursday, August 30, 2012 @ 4:41 PM
Everything just sucks big time today.. From the moment i woke up till now. I just got to the office and i had fight with my colleague over my family problems. I just want someone to talk to, that's why i approach you guys because i feel comfortable with you all.. Because see you guys everyday.. I am so unhappy here. I dont even feel like a family here.. I want to leave.. to another place. But i dont know where to go.
Not that i dont want to study.. why no one understands.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012 @ 2:41 PM
This post it for................................. i dont know who. Im just talking to myself lor. LOL. im very tired. tired of entertaining guys, tired of trying to find new guy for myself. I wanna move on. But you, julan.. kept dwelling in my mind. whatever i do, somewhat it just link me to you. I dont know why everytime when im upset, im confued.. i still call you... i know la, u only treat me as a friend now.. i know, stop reminding me....
you said, you're a fish that i have to let go now. but sure i will catch you again someday.. when would the day be..? will we ever be back together again? I dont know if by then i would still want to be together with you, or will we or no. i so scared. scared of you leaving me again, so i guess we hall be frieds.. it's so tiring. i wannabe a lesbian can ? zzzz
i know im stupid enough to go up k's house the other day. but i was just trying to help. and now i keep thinking about it. its driving me cazy.. and its making m very upset. 10 years of age gap. same height and blah. omg, what am i thinking?!
need.a.break.
Sunday, July 22, 2012 @ 10:40 PM
HI HI HI HI JULIAN DARLING !!!
Sometimes im really wondering if there would be a chance whereby you have the time to stop by to read my blog, to read all the letters that i'd wrote to you as well as all the cards that i'd made for you. On saturday, while we were looking for your watch warranty card, i realised that you'd kept every single letter and card that i'd wrote to you. I'm so touched, erm.. I mean, well, i know you'd always kept that, buti didnt know they were still around. Some of those cards that I'd given you, I'd already forgotten that I'd made them for you :x
My point is, I'm so touched, so glad that yo'd kept them all these while. In this box that I'd given you. Thank you darling, for keeping our every memory, every letter. They actually, meant alot to me. And i hope, they meant alot to you as well.
Today, kailin and I went to Toa Payoh to develop photos. It's cheaper there, well.. I wanted to do smth for you, but as you know.. I dont have much money.. So i went to google search and found out that tpy has the cheapest photo developing shop. Hahas. Sorry because I am poor :/ Well, we really do have a different background. However, I still remember you saying that our different backgrounds doesnt matter, as long as we love each other right? Sometimes I just wonder, what are we now...
Hmm, so I went to develop all our photos because I have no idea whether you will miss me when you're in Australia. I don't know if u would still think of me when you're there, because down the road, before your trip to auz, it's half a year.. And maybe, perhaps by then.. All your feelings for me would have faded, right? You used to tell me that your love for me is a kind of feeling that is never ending.. You said it would be an eternity love. I still remember every single sentece that you'd said.. Especially those that meant the whole world to me, because those are all your promises, your feelings and thoughts from the bottom of your heart. I wonder when will I be able to hear them coming out from you. It's been so long since you last sweet-talked to me. And i really really miss them alot. And, you know.. It's hurting me.. very badly. So all these photos, and those that we're going to take all the way until you go auz, if we have the chance, I'm gonna put them in an album and let you bring them to auz, so that if you ever happens to miss me.. you still have my photos, our photos with you to refer. At least, you wouldnt miss me so much, i guess.. Am i right? hahas. And i hope you would be like me, smiling while browsing through all those photos.
I know you hate me crying, you hate to hear me asking you questions. I'm sorry because i always do so alright? I hate it myself to, I hate how much i cling to you, I hate how much i love you, how much i am dependent to you. I hate how much i have to tell you i miss you, i love you, but i get nothing back from you. I hate myself for being naive, doing all things trying to make things better, trying to make you come back. I hate myself for wanting you so badly. BUT one thing i didnt regret is being together with you. I should have known that one day you would leave, because from the beggining i knew that you had to go auz to complete your studies. If only, im not so deeply in love.. If only.. If only.. If only.. there are so many ifs.
Baby, do you know how much i love you? I dont know about you.. but i guess.. you do love me.. right? Just that you're indecisive of what you want.. just that you don't know what is the best solution, the best plan to make the both of us feel better when you're in auz. Right? That's why you're doing this to me, to you, to us. I know you'd already planned all this the moment you know that your studies in auz is comfirmed, the moment we stepped into orchard hotel for the universities forum.. Right? I think, i ought to thank you for sparing a thought for me.. and i'm sorry because i always question you.I know you'd asked me to trust you, but im so afraid that im so vulnerable.. and later i would hurt even more. I know you kept asking me to leave, but i didnt. Dont ask me why, i myself doesnt know it either. There are lots of reasons for me to leave.. but the only reason im staying is because i love you, and i want you to come back 3 years later.. I know, this is rather stupid.. but.. well.. i just can't.. afford to loose you. because when i loose you, i feel as though i'd defeated a war with the world, it's as though i'd lost everything.
This is only the begginning.. So i must be strong enough to go through all these with you right? If what you said is true, and that you really had no choice but to leave because of auz, then i think.. it's time for me to trust you. to have faith in something that i have no idea of what is waiting for me in the future.. i have to trust you, i have to learn to trust, to believe and i have to love you at the same time. I dont know if you'd love me, because everytime, when you said something to me.. i really have no idea what you're thinking deep down inside you. Whether you'r saying those nasty things to drive me away, or telling me that you will come back just to assure me... But i guess, since everytime you tell me to believe in you that you would come back.. i guess you really would, right? YOu just have to do all these nasty and selfish things because you dont want me to miss you right..? (according to what you said) You're really noble, but pretty stupid. haha! but it's okay, we'll be stupid together alright? I'd be stupid enough to wait for you, i mean.. if you never chased after ur dreams, your wants then you would have never lived before right? I guess, being having to force yourself to not love me, or you really can't love me, it's really h ard right? I should put myself in your shoes, am i right? I should igve you support and just go through everything with you for this 3 years.
But i am so afraid that you wouldnt come back. It's all my fault, if i hadn't been so clingy, and questioning with BUTS then i guess, we would be better. I seriously hope that you know, i am doing all these because i really care about you. I will learn to trust you, I'm just hoping that you would bot betray my trust for you, and abuse all these wonderful feelings that i'd given to you. Please, come back for me.. because you love me, and you know that i love you.. and not just because i'd been waiting. And i sincerely hope that we would be better, because i guess.. the second chance is always better..
They say " When a guy cries over a girl, he will never love another girl like her "
I asked you regarding this question yet you say that different people have different feelings.. well, my heart just sank at your reply. but i hope, deep down in you, you would say "yes, no one can replace you". I asked if i would be replaced, yet the next minute i told you that you dont have to reply me.. because i am so afraid that your answer isnt something that i really want. I'd just afraid to face the reality, im just too timid to loose you. I rather live in my world, with all your lies and embrace you in my arms.
Because i love you, I will learn to trust you again, to believe you like i'd never believed before.. and i will gear up for this war that is going to last for 3 years. I take your word of coming back and i will wait for you to return, and like you say.. to come back, love me again, and chase me all over again. I trust, I believe, I fall in love with you, we will be better.
Yes, i am naive. But, that's how i am.
I love you julian, forever and always. XOXO.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012 @ 11:38 AM
Hi darling,
today is 17th July.. 2 more days to our 35th Month. How do you feel about that? hahas. we had been together for so long, why wanna break up with me? why wanna break up just because of australia. we still can be together what, can't we? Isit because i am very annoying? I always tie you down that's why you wannabe set free? I know, i dont give you freedom, but not exactly dont give.. i still let you go. i let go.. i let go. Do you know how much it hurts to have you leave me?...
I know i kept asking you questions, but that's because i care.. and im paranoid, and im insecure. I know it annoys you very much, and that u even used the "f" word on me. I am sorry. You know you'd never used this word on me before? It's all my fault, because i kept questioning you. Because i kept pushing your limits.. but i only wanted you to assure me.. Just assure me, isit that hard? I am just worried and scared that you will leave me, and will never come back. Your cousin told me that you left because u have other reasons, not just because you're going to australia? I dont know isit true or not, he said he felt that the reason was more than that.. I too, questioned myself why isit because of australia you had to leave, why can't you hold onto the promises and vows that you'd made, commit to them and make them happen? We can have long distance relationship can't we? I know it's hard to commit in a long distance relationship, but if you really love me, you would make it happen right?
I know, you're starting to question yourself already isit? Maybe im really not the one for you.. maybe you'd already given up hope on me.. just that you didnt say, just that u didnt want to let go because.. you pity me.. u dont want to see me break down. i know. I asked you too, you said you dont wanna let go because you still want to keep in contact with me.. But why do you choose not to see me so often..? Do you know that the time we'd left for each other are so limited now, and im so afraid that if i can't see you, i can't see you forever. You said you're doing these because you want me to get used to you not being around when you're in australia to complete your studies.. but why dont you make more time for me, since we have so little time left? why don't you just stay longer by my side for the time being, and assure me..
so many things had happended lately, and i dont know which sentence of yours to believe.. i know you dont love me already, i know. i read your conversation with your cousin, and my heart just.. had no reaction. i guess, im too tired for everything. you said that i was pressurizing you, i am sorry. i didnt mean to. i didnt mean to pressurized you. Please understand that i didnt mean to do it at all.. No matter what, my decision will not change, i know you're going to say im stupid and silly again. But why dont you say yourself stupid as well? How can you let go someone who loved you so much.. how can you do such things to hurt her? Doesnt it hurt you? Don't you feel pain?
I talked to aunty about us, she said we can still be friends, best friends, more than friends now. but we're young and we ought to complete our education first.. and if u said u will come back means you will.. but can i really trust what you say? I mean, i really dont know what i should do.. im so scared that you will leave me, im so scared that you will just go off like that. please, keep your promises, dont leave me..
Because you really meant alot to me.. that's why, i choose to stay. i choose to stay no matter how bad you wanna treat me now. but if you say you will come back, then i should trust you, believe in you and wait for you and be a good girl right? I know i love you more than you love me now, and it will lead to you taking me for granted.. but.. it's okay. please dont make me wait for you for more than your degree duration okay? I can't wait for us to be back together again. i really cant wait for this 2 years to pass by fast. make it fast. make it fast. make it fast. please.
Monday, July 16, 2012 @ 5:26 PM
Hi julian baby,
this post is specially for you.. i know writing letters to you no longer works.. because you are no longer eager to read them like before.. and prolly you dont even read them when u say u will. so maybe a blog post? prolly you will visit my blog when you think of me.. now or when you're at australia 2 and a half years down the road?
I know im pretty stupid, thinking that you would come back for me.. but everytime i see you, everytime you repeat ur promises, my heart falls even deeper for you. I dont know which sentence of yours to trust. I dont know what to do. I talked to many people, their advices are all the same, but i wanted to hear what i wanted to hear. your cousin, alexander is right. It's making me so tired trying to hold onto you when your heart is already somewhere else. I no longer know where i stand in you. I dont know how to regard you as. I love you, that's all i know. And i really want you to come back to me after your studies in 2 and a half year time.. I really want to go back to how we were like before.. and how we should be all this while before we broke up. I regretted taking you for granted all these while, all these 3 years.. but what can i do to bring you back to me again? Is there any use of me regretting and aplogising? I guess the answer is NO. right?
After so much.. after you repeating and telling me that you would come back for me.. telling me that you would chase me all over again after ur studies.. do you really mean it? are you really gonna make it happen? please dont give me empty promises.. i know im so vulnerable that you will take advantage of me. i know, but you know. i actually dont mind as long as i can have you with me.. you wouldnt know how much i love you i guess.. i had never had such strong feelings before.. and i see you in my future. i dream about being together with you, i dream about marrying you, starting a family with you, and spend the rest of my life lying beside you on the bed before i go to sleep. get a goodnight kiss from you, and wake up in ur arms. that's all i ever wish for. and leaving you is the last thing i would want to happen.
I know i'd been saying such things again and again. i know i'd been asking you again and again. but it's because im really insecure.. i really dont know if i should trust. i know i should trust, i know i love you. that's why the more i should trust.. but after so much, i realised that i really dont know much about you. i thought i know you, i knew you. but after these few weeks, suddenly i feel like you're a stranger to me. i dont even know what you want.
Out of a sudden, you wanna break up from me. you want me to leave you, but why dont you leave me. (of course i dont want you to leave me) but.. why say u wanna leave me just because of australia is that the real reason? will you ever come back for me, chase me all over again and make the feelings come back again? i really hope you will, from the bottom of my heart.
I know i aint any good, im busybody, i like to control you. im paranoid and i have a million flaws. i know, i really really know. but i can try and change i can try and make everything happen. i really can adapt to the new you. BABY, ARE YOU REALLY COMING BACK? ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING BECAUSE YOU HAVE STUDIES TO ATTEND TO IN AUSTRALIA? ARE YOU REALLY SHUTTING YOURSELF UP FROM ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE AND NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER GIRLS OUT THERE.. i know you want to have your freedom. i know you want to experience many different things and meet other people. i know it's a part f growing up. but i really love you. i yearn for you every single day. i just want you to stay with me. and make all those vows and promises that you'd made to me when we first started, when sparks fly, when we're so in love, when we're a perfect couple.
COME BACK TO ME. PLEASE.
:(
Monday, June 25, 2012 @ 1:15 PM
HI AGAIN.
Dont even think there are still reading this blog, my blog, his blog, our blog.
have i mentioned that i'd lost grandpa about 3 months ago? time had passed so fast that i couldnt catch up.. i just loose everything that i love, so be it. fuck life, and fuck everything.. i know i shouldnt be spamming the "fuck" word because i promised bb before that i will not use vulgarities.. haha, so idiotic.. does he even care? i dont know if i should trust whatever he says. im just like a stupid girl, cryign for the past 3 days.. all my energy.. just drained because we broke up.
i really miss him, but whatever i say, do he even care? whatever he said, should i believe? i dont even know if he's only making use of me for, sex? seriously.. what should i do? im lost, im confused. his words just keep changing.. he wasnt like that in the past, he always lie, but i still forgive him. i still trusted him. until i learnt that all this while, he'd been going to club, he'd been touching other girls, he'd been smoking.
"why, why do you even lie to me? why do you betray? why do you hurt be even though you say you still love me, and telling me that you will come back for me after 2 years of studies in auz, unless i meet someone here in sg, or he meet someone in auz. what are you exactly thinking?!"
i still trust, i still love. i still wait. for goodness sake, im the stupid one, i know. but it just hurt so much at the thought of it.. everything i do, reminds me of him.. EVERY SINGLE THING. why the hell do i deserve this? okay, maybe it's like what he say.. im always showing him attitude, im showing him tantrums, but if you love this person, you would tolerate everything that he/she throws at you right? i really dont understand.. i tolerated with him also.. after i know all his flaws, and learnt that he is abit slow when thinking.. i still accept, forgive and love. why do i get this in return.. i really dont understand.
life would be duller without him around. i wonder if he would feel the same way as i do too.. i will still wait for him.. and that's my decision. i will be alright.
I still love you, julian.
Thursday, November 24, 2011 @ 10:38 PM
As said on twitter, Im here to blog! I've been saying that I want to blog since last week? But I didnt manage to find time and I'm lazy too!!! HAHAHA. Let's talk about life, sch, the pot of beautiful flower then my precious doggie ok! So be prepared! there would be quite a number of photos. hehe. :)
That's me~. Do I look like I have a dimple on he left hand side of the picture? hehe.
Currently, I'm having this module called ProVis, it's about rendering! Smth like colouring the products in markers called copic! :D It's a very fun module and i love it! I dont mind colouring it for the rest of my life in PID. Well, but smth stupid and idiotic just happened.. I mean just now in the late afternoon. I was otw home and got this message from my classmate that my HUMAN CENTERED DESIGN (HCD) report and its ppt failed and I HAVE TO REDO EVERYTHING. WTFFFFFFF RIGHT ?!?!?!?!?! Zzz, so in summary, I HATE STUDYING IN PRODCUT AND INDUSTRIAL DESIGN. So anyone who goes through this blog, rbm it's not as easy as stated from its NAME. Dont be deceived, like me -______-
Next! Im gonna talk about this gorgeous pot of flower that grandma and i bought last week at Sheng Siong! Series of photos, seeeeee...
SO CHIO RIGHT. and this bought of flowers bought grandma luck ok! She striked 4D $500. Omg, envy $_$ But i doesnt agree with betting on 4D, totos, socceer and horse race la. Cause if yout think bout it, you save the money that you invested to bet, YOU CAN SAVE A MILLION. Especially if you're a addicted gambler. Hahaha. I just simply love the flowers! It's bright and nice. So sweet, otw and after we bought it home, i just cant stop praising that it's pretty. HAHAHAHA
Other than buying that pot of flowers, i went to visit kiki too! :D And did some house chores. My cutie baby kiki is seriously mad cute!!!! And she can pose like a model too. LOL!
CUTE RIGHT?! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE MY BABY CUTIE KIKI ?!?!?!?!?!
hehehehe, okies im going to sleep already. SO SIAN NOW. tmr still needa wake up damn early :( Goodnights~
Monday, November 7, 2011 @ 11:38 PM
received jul's mom msg. actually i texted her damn early, now then reply. wanted to tell her i miss her & his dad. but well, how to say? :(
so feel like crying :( sniffffffffffff.
@ 10:58 PM
hoohoo. im currently having gastric pain.. which is very annoying cause im trying my best to do my research for my project #1. tmr having group discussion! not that i dint spend my time wisely this weekend for this research kkay! i am, but can say i wasnt efficient enough :( so i had my dear babe who's currently in perth to help me a little with my work. HAHAHA. SO BORING.
tmr is tues and most prolly baby aint coming back for dinner :( he texted me earlier saying that he might have duties.. sian! i miss him so much T.T haven been seeing him for 6 days liao. NS SUCKS BIG TIME. his duties would end on wednesday for these two weeks. sad to say he would be going Bali next week for a whole damn week with his family cause his bro had holidays already. I AM SO SAD CAN. actually i was suppose to go with them, but because i have school and my holidays aint compatible with his bro's holidays ! :( i just hate how singapore's education system and the ns system work. why can't all holidays be allocated together :(
hmm, cause i miss baby so i started making a "combined" pictures that we took the other day at his house! have a look !
HEHEHEHE. AINT THIS SWEET ?! :))
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L.SinJie(:
I KNOW HE LOVES ME ALOT
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WELCOME ! (:
I'm SinJie , SweetEIGHTEEN..
Her friends celebrates for her on 15th April
She simply loves her Girlfriends like L.O.V.E.
Give her chocolates and sweets and she'll love you like maddness
And she LOVES her Fiancee, Julian Teoh forever and ever and ever and ever.♥
J-U-L-I-A-N is her one & only love drug. Now and Forever ♥
I AM WAITING FOR YOU JULIAN TEOH YU CHIEN, LOVE YOU
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