Monday, July 16, 2012 @ 5:26 PM
Hi julian baby,
this post is specially for you.. i know writing letters to you no longer works.. because you are no longer eager to read them like before.. and prolly you dont even read them when u say u will. so maybe a blog post? prolly you will visit my blog when you think of me.. now or when you're at australia 2 and a half years down the road?
I know im pretty stupid, thinking that you would come back for me.. but everytime i see you, everytime you repeat ur promises, my heart falls even deeper for you. I dont know which sentence of yours to trust. I dont know what to do. I talked to many people, their advices are all the same, but i wanted to hear what i wanted to hear. your cousin, alexander is right. It's making me so tired trying to hold onto you when your heart is already somewhere else. I no longer know where i stand in you. I dont know how to regard you as. I love you, that's all i know. And i really want you to come back to me after your studies in 2 and a half year time.. I really want to go back to how we were like before.. and how we should be all this while before we broke up. I regretted taking you for granted all these while, all these 3 years.. but what can i do to bring you back to me again? Is there any use of me regretting and aplogising? I guess the answer is NO. right?
After so much.. after you repeating and telling me that you would come back for me.. telling me that you would chase me all over again after ur studies.. do you really mean it? are you really gonna make it happen? please dont give me empty promises.. i know im so vulnerable that you will take advantage of me. i know, but you know. i actually dont mind as long as i can have you with me.. you wouldnt know how much i love you i guess.. i had never had such strong feelings before.. and i see you in my future. i dream about being together with you, i dream about marrying you, starting a family with you, and spend the rest of my life lying beside you on the bed before i go to sleep. get a goodnight kiss from you, and wake up in ur arms. that's all i ever wish for. and leaving you is the last thing i would want to happen.
I know i'd been saying such things again and again. i know i'd been asking you again and again. but it's because im really insecure.. i really dont know if i should trust. i know i should trust, i know i love you. that's why the more i should trust.. but after so much, i realised that i really dont know much about you. i thought i know you, i knew you. but after these few weeks, suddenly i feel like you're a stranger to me. i dont even know what you want.
Out of a sudden, you wanna break up from me. you want me to leave you, but why dont you leave me. (of course i dont want you to leave me) but.. why say u wanna leave me just because of australia is that the real reason? will you ever come back for me, chase me all over again and make the feelings come back again? i really hope you will, from the bottom of my heart.
I know i aint any good, im busybody, i like to control you. im paranoid and i have a million flaws. i know, i really really know. but i can try and change i can try and make everything happen. i really can adapt to the new you. BABY, ARE YOU REALLY COMING BACK? ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING BECAUSE YOU HAVE STUDIES TO ATTEND TO IN AUSTRALIA? ARE YOU REALLY SHUTTING YOURSELF UP FROM ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE AND NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER GIRLS OUT THERE.. i know you want to have your freedom. i know you want to experience many different things and meet other people. i know it's a part f growing up. but i really love you. i yearn for you every single day. i just want you to stay with me. and make all those vows and promises that you'd made to me when we first started, when sparks fly, when we're so in love, when we're a perfect couple.
COME BACK TO ME. PLEASE.
:(